How a mum overcome depression with love and tears.

If only I could turn on and off my emotions. If only I could have control over what comes around the corner unexpectedly.

There is so much that need to be said and so much lost in the making of what needs to be said.

As I battle this dark week of my journey with depression, I feel the burden of my duties as a mother placing heavily on my shoulder. I sigh and sigh and sigh some more, desperate for help, someone to assist me in my duties and my struggles.

Three days into this darkness of the not knowing is equal to 300 years. 

Nothing is working fine.

I must continue to pretend there is no major issue going on behind my face.

I’m tired of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, only to see it slowly fainting away.

I left my heart to do it all by itself. It has to find a reason to keep ongoing until this dark week slowly moves away.

When I get up in the morning, open my eyes, I could realize but my body was not excited to get out of bed. My body feels sick and unable to move. The kids are calling out for their towels, which I usually put in their rooms the night before, ready for each child to grab it on his/her way to the shower in the morning.

I forced myself out of bed with my heart dropped to my stomach from the lack of energy and the heaviness of my head. I feel like I want to spew. All I want now is the kids to hit the door so I can roll back into bed.

I take a few steps towards the kitchen, before I reached the kitchen, I prepared myself for what it might wait me in the kitchen. A mess as usual every morning, but not as bad as most other mornings. I am relieved but not content.

I slowly back up towards the bathroom, get washed up, and get ready to get the kids ready for school.

My room, as always when I am not okay, becomes a public changing room. Everyone is in my room. I have no energy to tell anyone to use their own rooms.

I try to reach out to the core of my soul to grab whatever inspiration is there to get my engine to start, but nothing was there. I slowly move towards the bench and start on the kids’ school lunches.

I can’t feel the kids’ presence. I can’t understand a word of the usual morning noise before school  .

I felt I want to cry so badly, but I held back my tears and forced a smile with mighty force.

There is nothing more upsetting to me in the morning than sending the kids off to school with a sad expression. I don’t want my pain to affect my children’s wellbeing. I want them to think of me as strong normal mother, maybe yelling “Hurry, you are late “but not break down without a reason. (because only me knows what I go through)

When we are all done with lunches, coats, etc., I gave each child a kiss and a warm hug. I shut the door, wave goodbye, wish the kids a great day and walk back to my room with all my focus on crashing for the rest of the day until the end of the school day.

When I opened the door of my room, I saw the kids mess on the floor and on my bed.

The tears I tried to keep at bay finally gave way as I was so overwhelmed by the mess. I felt like my life was over. I felt so lost and hopeless. The feeling is un-describable. It’s a feeling of uncertainty and unloved, un-cared for, abandoned, and unwanted.

I dropped to my knees and cried. I felt a sense of freedom by allowing myself to bore out my tears. The tears were like a symbol of the pain now washing out of my system like a detox therapy.

The tears stopped, the pain was lighter, and the sound of a helpless woman on her knees crying for help was slowly fainting.

I felt a bit of strength. Heaven has opened up a bit. I walked towards my desk, sat down, and start working on the tasks I needed to complete for the day. My plans for a day in bed is slowly vanishing from my thoughts.

It was difficult to focus with the mess right next to me let alone the rest of the house, I am never a person that can function around mess and clutter they are the things that really makes my life a hell lot harder. It stop me from breathing and functioning a clean environment is always something I crave every single day, but what when I am running on Zero energy?  This is where I am now, the moment of despair beyond any I have ever mastered in my years in this new chapter of life (motherhood with depression)

I managed to successfully fulfilled some tasks but my room atmosphere was draining me faster than I could imagine. I open another tab and start looking for some inspirational quotes, nothing works, I log on to Facebook and start going through my new page just few days old named after my blog and wanted to add some nice home decor images to the page, ( it’s the kind of things  I love browsing and spend time on it when I am not in the mood to write or do anything else.

It took less than few seconds to get my positivity meter up and my energy start to rise rapidly. Here I am going from almost completely unable to function to suddenly ready to clean up the house. The beautiful inspirational images of a nice clean home just inspired me to do the cleaning.

It was an unbelievable feeling, I could feel some enlightenment in my soul, and my body was responding well to the task.

Within less than an hour the big mess has turned into a nice clean cozy home. This is when I started to feel I was getting a little better and I was so pleased to feel such a great feeling surfing inside me.

I started to fell the bad week is resigning it was a great feeling to have me back as normal as I could possibly be.

Now I must note in my head and remind myself where to find help to clean when I need it.

This has also taught me a lesson .. find the inspiration in the things you love!!!